My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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