i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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