All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
