Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
