i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
