this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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