Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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