some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
