I just made out with a guy for $7.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
