Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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