life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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