I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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