she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
