I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
