sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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