This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
