I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Boobs speak an international language.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
