i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
