meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
