..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
