I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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