had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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