Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
