the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
