he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
