I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
