I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
