the condom got lost in my hair
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.