New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
