I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
