I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
