office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He has the fingertips of a God
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