chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
