I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
