i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
