i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
