kristin has been a bad kristin
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
