Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
high people should be assigned attendants
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
