I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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