I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
