she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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