Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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