Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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