I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
