u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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