I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.