it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
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Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with