last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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