I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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