When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
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the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.