Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.