Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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