I've blown a few things in my day
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
