life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
