Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
