i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
