I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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