I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
